I know that opening this post with “My psychiatrist suggested…” probably isn’t the best way to begin but…
My psychiatrist suggested that if I’m comfortable with it, that I share a secret that has been eating me away for as long as I can remember. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I I’m ready to share it. No, I’m not coming out – don’t get excited…I just put a Play Station and computer in my closet, I’ll be in there for awhile longer. :)
Anyway – ever since I can remember I’ve had these thoughts. I never told anyone because I couldn’t comprehend them let alone, put them into words. I started seeing a psychiatrist about 2 years ago for depression and I just couldn’t figure out why I was depressed. I have a great life with a lot going for me. I have a super big and loving family, a great group of friends, inspiring role models, goals, hopes, and dreams; so, what the hell was wrong with me? My psychiatrist sent me to therapy and we really didn’t get anywhere because frankly, I just didn’t have very many troubles to discuss or problems to work through. The number of visits lowered and meds were prescribed. They worked for a bit because I was excited to get better. I wanted to be happy; so, I took my meds regularly, I was trying new things, hanging out with different people – I was just happy! SPOILER ALERT: totally wasn’t happy.
One day, it all clicked. The happiness I was longing for was what these thoughts have been telling me for years! Suicide. Why? No idea. But I figure, that if the thoughts get me out of my depression, or calms me down from anxiety, completing the act would make me truly happy, wouldn’t it?
A couple months ago, I shared this with my psychiatrist and after many questions, the diagnosis was OCD with suicide being my obsession. Now, before you jump to what you know about suicidal thoughts – I don’t hate my life at all and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself by cutting or drugs and alcohol. Nothing like that. My psychiatrist put it like this, “these thoughts, the urges and desires, are written on your hard drive. There is no way to delete them but there are programs that can be installed to run over them.”
The few people that have known about my suicidal thoughts have asked what my triggers are. I don’t have any – they’re CONSTANT. However, I have noticed that if I’m just having a bad day or I’m a little upset or frustrated, the thoughts increase because they’re my “happy place.” Most people go to a designated spot in their backyard or think about laying on a beach with a margarita in hand. For me – I think about jumping off a bridge into the ocean, driving my car into on-coming traffic or off a cliff. I’m one sharp turn or one step away from happiness. What’s stopping me? My brain is. My heart wants me to take that step, but my brain keeps my feet firmly planted. That battle is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through because I’m very persuasive and I’m trying to convince myself to do something I want to do/don’t want to do. Either way, I win. So far my brain is stronger than my heart but who knows how long that’s going to last.
Guys, I don’t want to die but I do. I don’t know why these thoughts make me happy but they do and I won’t be truly happy until the deed is done.
For those of you that think I’m crazy – Oh, I agree with you but when you look death in the eyes multiple times and have no idea how you got there, you have every right to be crazy.
Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through all of this (you know who you are). Thank you for the texts and calls while I’m looking over the edge. Thank you for going to the hospital with me at random times. And most importantly, thank you for staying with me even after being smacked in the face with a suicidal friend.