A Secret that I’ve Had for Years

11 04 2014

I know that opening this post with “My psychiatrist suggested…” probably isn’t the best way to begin but…

My psychiatrist suggested that if I’m comfortable with it, that I share a secret that has been eating me away for as long as I can remember. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I I’m ready to share it. No, I’m not coming out – don’t get excited…I just put a Play Station and computer in my closet, I’ll be in there for awhile longer. :)

Anyway – ever since I can remember I’ve had these thoughts. I never told anyone because I couldn’t comprehend them let alone, put them into words. I started seeing a psychiatrist about 2 years ago for depression and I just couldn’t figure out why I was depressed. I have a great life with a lot going for me. I have a super big and loving family, a great group of friends, inspiring role models, goals, hopes, and dreams; so, what the hell was wrong with me? My psychiatrist sent me to therapy and we really didn’t get anywhere because frankly, I just didn’t have very many troubles to discuss or problems to work through. The number of visits lowered and meds were prescribed. They worked for a bit because I was excited to get better. I wanted to be happy; so, I took my meds regularly, I was trying new things, hanging out with different people – I was just happy! SPOILER ALERT: totally wasn’t happy.

One day, it all clicked. The happiness I was longing for was what these thoughts have been telling me for years! Suicide. Why? No idea. But I figure, that if the thoughts get me out of my depression, or calms me down from anxiety, completing the act would make me truly happy, wouldn’t it?

A couple months ago, I shared this with my psychiatrist and after many questions, the diagnosis was OCD with suicide being my obsession. Now, before you jump to what you know about suicidal thoughts – I don’t hate my life at all and I don’t have any desire to hurt myself by cutting or drugs and alcohol. Nothing like that. My psychiatrist put it like this, “these thoughts, the urges and desires, are written on your hard drive. There is no way to delete them but there are programs that can be installed to run over them.”

The few people that have known about my suicidal thoughts have asked what my triggers are. I don’t have any – they’re CONSTANT. However, I have noticed that if I’m just having a bad day or I’m a little upset or frustrated, the thoughts increase because they’re my “happy place.” Most people go to a designated spot in their backyard or think about laying on a beach with a margarita in hand. For me – I think about jumping off a bridge into the ocean, driving my car into on-coming traffic or off a cliff. I’m one sharp turn or one step away from happiness. What’s stopping me? My brain is. My heart wants me to take that step, but my brain keeps my feet firmly planted. That battle is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever been through because I’m very persuasive and I’m trying to convince myself to do something I want to do/don’t want to do. Either way, I win. So far my brain is stronger than my heart but who knows how long that’s going to last.

Guys, I don’t want to die but I do. I don’t know why these thoughts make me happy but they do and I won’t be truly happy until the deed is done.

For those of you that think I’m crazy – Oh, I agree with you but when you look death in the eyes multiple times and have no idea how you got there, you have every right to be crazy.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me through all of this (you know who you are). Thank you for the texts and calls while I’m looking over the edge. Thank you for going to the hospital with me at random times. And most importantly, thank you for staying with me even after being smacked in the face with a suicidal friend.





Something Special

27 01 2013

I have this problem of never being able to hold on to something special. I always take it one step too far and right before my eyes, it’s gone. This has happened on more than one occasion. I can’t help but think that the common denominator is me, but you know I can’t always blame myself. It’s not healthy. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be or the chemistry doesn’t work – whatever it is, it sure does suck because it’s taking away from my happiness. You know, a few years ago I lost something very special. I felt like I no longer had a heart – I could never love again, I could never have the feelings that special thing gave me. But a few months back, I got very lucky – I got a new something special and I got my heart back. I almost forgot what it is like to genuinely smile, or look someone in the eyes and see their soul – to have a complete conversation in complete silence. I was at peace. But with some time, I could feel it start to diminish. I couldn’t see the soul anymore, I couldn’t help but question the smiles, or the feeling in my stomach. I want the butterflies; I want to be affectionate. The romantic in me always ruins everything. I wonder if I’m ever going to learn how to hold my feelings back and just go with the flow. Funny thing is, I’m a totally pussy and it takes a lot of courage, which I definitely lack, to take the steps forward that I have dangerously taken.  I don’t regret a single ounce of courage used, or time invested but I do wish I would’ve played my cards a little better. Sometimes, you can’t always trust the book – you gotta go with your gut. I’m extremely ambitious, buuuut I know my limits. I’m going to play on the safe side for awhile and see where it takes me. Ladies and gentlemen, it breaks my heart to announce that I had the world in my hands and I let it slip right through my fingers. 





Beauty

23 01 2013

 

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This girl I know has this tendency to pick off all of her facial hair. Her daily routine is to draw on her eyebrows and line her eyes to distract everyone from noticing that she suffers from this habit. One day she built up enough courage, for which I applaud, to come to school without make up. She walked the halls with all eyes on her; I highly doubt it’s the attention she wanted. A few kids even decided to go out of their way to harass her for what she looks like without makeup. This is the exact reason why I frown upon makeup.

The idea of makeup is quite genius. It is used to brighten men and women’s faces for performances, plays, daily life, etc. I strongly dislike the fact that some men and women feel like they NEED makeup to be attractive; they NEED makeup to leave the house; they NEED makeup when they’re seeing their significant other. It disgusts me. Nowhere in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs resides “makeup”. Frankly, the more women and men wear makeup, the more used to it everyone around them gets. What a person looks like with makeup eventually becomes their norm. Nowadays, to see someone out of their “norm” is not normal. So for the sake of being normal, stay in your norm, and wear makeup. I, however, dare to be different. Always have. Especially as a teenage girl, in a high school setting, where everyone is searching for not only themselves but for someone else to make fun of, it is quite the dare. I rarely wear makeup. Usually only on performance days, holidays, or special occasions, I’ll go out of my way to cover up who I am with Mac and Maybelline.

The exterior never defines who we are. To some you’re beautiful, to others you’re ugly. But in fact, everyone is beautiful. Everyone has something to offer this beautiful world. I do, you do, and even the neighborhood hoe does. The girl I mentioned earlier posted a picture of herself without makeup on her Facebook and titled it, “The Real Me.” I of course, left her a comment, hopefully making her feel special and beautiful. The picture she posted wasn’t “The Real Her,” it was just her without makeup.

You can’t take a picture of who you are, because your beauty lies within. Be yourself no matter what anyone says. With or without makeup, you are indeed beautiful. When people ask me why I don’t wear makeup more often, I think to myself, “Why powder my face to hide my shine?”





Movie Review – Wreck-It Ralph

7 11 2012

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So, it’s always a little nerve racking when Disney chooses to go down the PG road but this time they did a phenomenal job. Wreck-It Ralph starring John C. Reilly, Jack McBrayer and Jane Lynch, directed by Rich Moore is an absolutely entertaining movie. This film is along the same lines as Toy Story except in a video game world. Based off the trailer, you get a feeling that the story is revolving around a bunch of these different old school video game characters but it doesn’t do that at all. The way they did it is kind of like Shrek – you see a bunch of recognizable fairy tale characters with whom the main characters briefly interact, but that’s pretty much it. Do you need to know a lot about video games when you enter this movie? No. But if you are a video game nerd, it’ll increase your interest most definitely.

What did I like about this movie? A whole lot! The casting is absolutely phenomenal! Jane Lynch plays this badass general and executes the character traits perfectly, no one could play Ralph better than John C. Reilly, and Jack McBrayer’s voice is excellent for Felix. Sarah Silverman is the voice of Vanellope and even she executed an annoying little girl phenomenally! The score is absolutely beautiful and just takes your ears step by step throughout the movie. My absolute favorite thing about this movie is the creativity! Every detail in every video game is so spot on and just…creative! Disney never really has a problem with that. There are little giggles throughout and perfectly placed hard laughs that keep your ass planted in the seat wanting more. Last but not least, the heart warm, tear jerking typical Disney story to which we can all relate is really just the cherry on top of a fantastic film.

There isn’t a whole lot that I didn’t like. There were a few slow parts but what movie doesn’t have those? Umm….yup, I’m drawing a blank here.

Wreck-It Ralph, I give you a 10/10! Perfect for kids and adults and I will definitely be purchasing it! Go see this movie! Take your kids, take your date, shit…go by yourself! Available in 2D and 3D!





Getting Healthy – Week 4

8 10 2012

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I’m currently in the waiting room to be seen by the doctor who prescribed my medications. Tomorrow I begin therapy, so we’re just going to see if the medications are working. So, here’s a quick review of my treatment thus far:

Week 1- 1 pill/day: I felt good. I was proud of myself for being on the road of recovery. I was happy, smiling, energized, and working my way back to my original self.

Week 2 – 2 pills/day: I felt like I was on crack – that’s a bit exaggerated but I was restless. I had to move, I talked fast, I couldn’t stay in one place for very long. This is the week I noticed that I lost weight (about 10lbs).

Week 3 – 3 pills/day: I was eating like I was pregnant. My appetite skyrocketed and I just wanted everything and anything. It wasn’t like I was just hungry either, I was starving – all the freaking time. You know that point of hunger when you feel like if you don’t have food NOW, you’re going to throw up? I hate that feeling and I had it constantly.

Week 4 – 4 pills a day: I have lost a total of 17lbs. I feel ok. I’m happy about the weight loss because I feel good physically but I’ve been kind of tired lately. I’m not lethargic or anything – I just run out of gas quicker, I guess.

Hopefully, my doctor and I can find a happy medium dosage for me today. Wish me luck and thanks for following!





Movie Review – Pitch Perfect

7 10 2012

Pitch Perfect, starring Anna Kendrick, Rebel Wilson, Brittany Snow, Ben Platt, and Skylar Astin, written by Kay Cannon who has written some episodes for 30 Rock and New Girl is such a cute movie. It’s not my favorite movie – it’s a basic, predictable story with a little more sense of humor. This movie gave me some “lols.” On the contrary, there are some parts that are kind of slow but pass pretty quickly. Of course, there are always moments in every movie I see in the theater when I’m the only one laughing…those moments are usually when no one wants to laugh at the racial slurs because there are black people in front of them and Mexicans to the left. But me…well, I have no shame.

Ok, I like the humor in this movie. Rebel Wilson has excellent delivery with all of her lines – no one else in the movie could pull off the lines that she does. Even though this is a typical “artsy” movie with the typical troubled child with daddy issues that doesn’t fit in with anyone because they push everyone away, so instead of finding Jesus, they find their hidden talent of song and dance, it is actually pretty cute and well written – the humor gave it a different twist. Another thing I like is the lighting; I know that’s random but it’s pretty well done. The love story is kind of cute because The Breakfast Club is tied into it and we can all agree with the statements that are made.

You know, I usually say what I don’t like about the movies in my reviews but since this movie is so cliché, there’s no point.

Ladies, this movie is totally for you – however, there were a lot of manly laughs in my theater. So, either there were a lot of trannies or men can enjoy it too. Don’t expect the best movie in the world – you just have to go in to the theater knowing it is purely for laughs. I would probably buy this movie just to watch on rainy days when I’m pondering my daddy issues and misplacement in this world. And every time I think about those things, I just want to sing and dance! Pitch Perfect, I give you a 7/10.





Movie Review: Looper

4 10 2012

Looper, staring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Bruce Willis, and Emily Blunt, is a brilliant movie. Holy crap, I had to watch it twice. Much like Inception, you’ll walk out of the theatre saying, “wait…what?” Totally mind blowing. See this movie while it’s still out in theaters because it is definitely worth seeing on the big screen! Ladies, make sure you bring a ‘wet floor’ sign and a change of underwear with you because Joseph Gordon-Levitt is hot, hot, hot!

In the year 2072, time travel is used by the mob to get rid of their targets. The mob will send their victims 30 years into the past to be killed and disposed by a hired “looper.” When the mob wants to “close the loop” for Joe (Gordon-Levitt), they send back his future self (Willis) for him to kill, freeing him from his contract and giving him the last 30 years of his life.

The action is great, the camera work is fantastic, the story and script are beautifully written and delivered, and the ending is perfect. Round of applause for everything!

Go see this movie.

9/10!

I’m not doing a full review because I simply want you to go see it!

Little advice: don’t see this movie with someone that will talk throughout the whole thing because you need to pay attention. It’s the kind of movie that if you miss one line, you’re screwed.








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